Things You'd Love To Say Out Loud At Work

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh!t.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in
public.

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're
saying.

Ahhhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.

I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Any connections between your reality and mine are purely
coincidental.

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you really marinate in it?

Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is finally done.

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.

Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

Aren't you a black hole of need.

I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

If you have something to say raise your hand, and place it over
your mouth.

I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.

Your not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight off.

You really are as pretty as a picture, I'd like to hang you.

Don't believe everything you think.

Ssshh, . that's the sound of no one caring

Crazy Door

This is the coolest door i've ever seen.

Magic Sand

Check this out. It's sand that remains dry when you mix it with water. This video shows you how to make magic sand. Long winded but definately one to show your mates when there drunk.

How To Make Magic Sand - The funniest videos clips are here

A bit of a crap joke but made me smile

A Jelly Baby walks into a bar and starts talking to a Smartie.

After a few beers the Smartie says, "Ere, a bunch of us are heading to that new club, fancy tagging along?"

The Jelly Baby says, "No mate, I'm a soft centre, I always end up getting my head kicked in."

So Smartie says, "Don't worry about it, I'm a bit of a hard case, I'll look after you."

Jelly Baby thinks about it for a minute and says, "Fair enough, as long as you'll look after me", and off they go.

After a few more beers in the club, three Lockets walk in. As soon as he sees them, Smartie hides under the table.

The Lockets take one look at Jelly Baby and start kicking him, breaking cola bottles over his little jelly head, lamping him with little sugary chairs, and generally having a laugh.

After a while they get bored and walk out. Jelly Baby pulls his battered Jelly Baby body over to the table and wipes up his

Jelly Baby blood and turns to Smartie and says, "I thought you were hard and were going to look after me?!"

I was!" says Smartie, "But those Lockets are f*cking menthol".

John-The Thoughtful Husband...

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them.

Some are over-sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is John. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Shirley. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Shirley to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf
club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to
stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). (I like to think tact is one of my strong points.)

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Shirley. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, John

EDITOR'S NOTE:

John died suddenly on April 27 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Shirley was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that John somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

Skate suit

The asumption song

Try and sing along to this song or guess what they are going to say!!

Sewer Explosion!!