Killaminute- a collection of funny emails, videos and pictures.: 10/2007

Monday, 29 October 2007

Funny or Die Videos - The Iceman - by jbismad

Monday, 22 October 2007

Blair and Bush play the weakest link

The Hamster Stare

This is the funniest thing i've seen this year, short of a man about to fall down the escalator at Canada Water tube.

Thursday, 11 October 2007

1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome.

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

Wednesday, 10 October 2007

The Carrot Slicer

Jokes (1): "Jim worked in a carrot canning factory for over 30 years. One day he came home to his wife to tell her that he has terrible urges to stick his d#ck into the carrot slicer. His wife is shocked and suggests that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Jim said he would be too embarrassed. He said it was probably just a phase and he would be ok. One day a few weeks later, Jim came home. His wife could see that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong, Jim?' she asked. 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this incredible urge to put my d#ck into the carrot slicer?' 'Jim, please tell me you didn't!' 'Yes, I did.' 'My God Jim, what happened?' 'I got fired.' 'Oh no! I mean why? What happened to the carrot slicer?' 'She got fired too.'"

The Irony of health clubs

Did you know that most gym members will pay up to £70 a month to DRIVE to a gym to use a running machine. Absolutely crazy!!

Take a wrong turn did you

This guy clearly hasn't thought this through

SAMSUNG'S SEXY BLACKJACK II

Engadget: "Don't worry BlackJack fans, Samsung does indeed seem to have a true BlackJack II successor in the works for you, unlike that stylus-based i780 pretender to the throne. Turns out the i617 -- which we saw pass the FCC yesterday -- will be doing the honors, but unfortunately it's not terribly clear what those honors will be. AT&T is a lock, thanks to the HSDPA 850 / 1900, and of course Windows Mobile 6 will be the main attraction, but there's no confirmation of WiFi or any other notable hardware upgrades just yet other than a bump to 2 megapixels from the original's 1.3. As for looks, we'll let you make up your own mind, but the design isn't much of a departure -- there's still a back hump -- but everything is considerably more shiny this time around. No word on price or availability. There's a shot of the back after the break."

Tuesday, 9 October 2007

Spiders On Drugs

CHECK OUT THE AFFECTS THAT RANDOM DRUGS HAD ON RANDOM SPIDERS.

Monday, 8 October 2007

BRILLIANT PRANK

1. Fasten the balloons to the car
2. Drive like a crazy person
3. observe the other road users

Bomb Squad Practical Joke

LETS HOPE HE DIDN'T PULL THE WRONG WIRE

Corporate lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give you £800 to drop that towel that you have on"

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes me?"

Management Lesson?

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate lesson 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.

The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologised profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

Once again the priest apologised. "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129.

It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Management lesson?

Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity

Corporate lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk."I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pinna coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Management lesson?

Always let your boss have the first say.

Great things to say when your stressed at work!

"Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!"
"You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!"
"How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"
"Well this day was a total waste of make-up"
"Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"
"Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."
"Do I look like a fucking people person!"
"This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"
"I started out with nothing still have most of it left"
"I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me"
"YOU!!... off my planet!!!"
"Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose"
"Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control"
"Errors have been made. Others will be blamed"
"And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be.....?"
"I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."
"Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."
"Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"
"Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
"I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
"Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet"
"Back off!! You're standing in my aura."
"Don't worry. I forgot your name too."
"I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"
"I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."
"Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it."
"Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
"Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"
"Chaos, panic and disorder . . . my work here is done."
"Ambivalent? Well yes and no."
"You look like shit. Is that the style now?"
"Earth is full. Go home."
"Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"
"I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."
"A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."
"You are depriving some village of an idiot."
"If as sholes could fly, this place would be an airport."

FWD: US snipers taking out Taliban

FWDitOn.com - FWD: US snipers taking out Taliban: "Live camera shots of US snipers taking out Taliban with .50 caliber sniper rifles in Afghanistan. These are some examples of the fight in Afghanistan. These video shots are not made through the shooter's telescopic sight... they are made looking through the spotter's scope.The spotter lies right next to the sniper and helps the sniper to find and home in on the target. The sniper is using a 50 caliber rifle. A 50 cal. round is about 7-8 inches long and the casing is about an inch in diameter. The bullet itself is one-half inch in diameter and roughly one and one-half inches long. Pay close attention to the beginning of the video. A Taliban is laying on top of the peak in front of you... when you hear the shot fired... watch what happens. Our sniper is about a half mile away... or more. It is not known if the sniper team is Marine or Army."

FWD: Girls Night Out

FWDitOn.com - FWD: Girls Night Out: "The other night I was invited out for a night with 'the girls.' I promised my husband that I would be home by midnight. Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times. Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another nine times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed, three cuckoos plus nine cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!) The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I him ' Midnight.' He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got Away with that one!

Then he said, 'We need a new cuckoo clock.' When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, 'Oh. Shit,' cuckooed four more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped Over the coffee table and farted.'"

THE WRONG FONT I THINK

Sunday, 7 October 2007

Just a few funny pictures we found

Ying and the Yang

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

analysis of a man

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET - MATERIALS SAFETY DATA SHEET

MEN: A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS

ELEMENT: MAN

SYMBOL: Ego

DISCOVERER: Eve. Discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs.

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 170 lbs, known to vary from 98 to 360 lbs.

OCCURRENCE: Large quantities in all populated areas. Highly concentrated deposits at all sporting events and areas known as "singles bars".

Extremely low quantities can be found in any location where cleaning up is required. (See Women and Slave Labor)

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface often covered with hair--bristly in some areas, soft in others.

2. Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense.

3. Melts if treated like a God.

4. Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.

5. Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.

6. Becomes stubborn and unyielding when pressure is applied; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Is repelled by concentrated quantities of precious and semi-precious metals and stones (See Jewelery Store). However, is attracted to quantities of these when viewed worn against the skin of a woman. It is believed woman's skin combines with the aforementioned to create a highly magnetic attraction for this element.

2. May explode spontaneously if wallet is opened.

3. Requires copious quantities of substances known as attention, reassurance, and stroking.

4. When saturated with Alcohol will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.

5. Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.

6. Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.

7. Is rendered non-functional when confronted with the items in #5 & #6.

8. Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

9. Is impervious to embarrassment.

10. Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to woman.

analysis of a women

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM - MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET

WOMEN: A Chemical Analysis

ELEMENT: Woman

SYMBOL: Wo

DISCOVERER: Adam

ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs., but known to vary from 75 to 550 lbs.

OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Surface usually covered with a painted film.

2. Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.

3. Melts if given special treatment.

4. Bitter if incorrectly used.

5. Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.

6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.

2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.

3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning, and for no known reason.

4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.

5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.

COMMON USES:

1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.

2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.

3. Very effective cleaning agent.

TESTS:

1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.

2. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

HAZARDS:

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.

2. Illegal to possess more than one, although several can be maintained at different locations as long as specimens do not come into direct contact with each other.

Twin Tables Optical Illusion - Mighty Optical Illusions

Twin Tables Optical Illusion - Mighty Optical Illusions: "As you may noticed, these two tables appear to have very different dimensions. In fact, the length of the green table is identical to the width of the red table. Also the length of the red table is identical to width of the green table. Quite impossible to believe, right? I attached another image to this post to show you that I was right (like I always am ;). Jump inside this post to see the proof! Very similar illusion can be found inside 'relative sizes' category - 'Table Tops Illusion'."